My blood begins to boil at any sign of intense anger and frustration. My legs begin to shake and I feel as if I'm losing all the air in the room left to breath. My first instinct is to begin shouting or speaking exactly how the person I'm having an issue with is talking to me. A few years ago I might have just flipped out and grabbed something and began to throw it, or maybe even hit the person in the face out of my childish rage and anger. When people are hurt, or hurting they will say and do things just because they have no idea how to express whatever it is that's really bothering them. I know that - because I have been there several times. I just know now that I have said and often done enough to burn all the major bridges in this country. I like to think of myself as a boiling pot with a lid on it. The longer I keep quiet the more I have to say when I finally do boil over. Miscommunication and perception are everything during even the slightest argument. I've tried to be the best person I can be at expressing myself no matter the issue now a days because I have fought people, broke phones. hurt myself in the process of getting so mad that I might have potentially lost it all and snapped and really done something I would've regretted for the rest of my life. Anger only comes from knowing you feel embarrassed, hurt and mistreated and the best way to fuel any relationship is to give it more gas. In some cases for many that means saying things you can never take back, doing things you wish you had never done. Every argument I have is a chance for me to see what I can do better. I can say that I have gotten to a point where I do not get that feeling in my chest that I need to hit someone in the face for talking to me in a way that I feel is extremely disrespectful to me. My reasons for not wanting to ever be so mad that I would put my hands on someone again because of it comes from having done those things to be people in the past and knowing that no matter if it made me feel good or bad after that I only can make things worse for myself or even hurt this person in the heat of a moment I should have been mature enough to walk away from. I can only truly honestly say that if it wasn't for reflecting on all the things that have ever triggered me to be so angry would I at least be able to say I'm at a point where I can talk very loudly, or even very low with someone that I have an issue with without trying to physically harm them because it'll make me feel better about it. I'd rather yell until I lost my voice then to hit and punch without the words that could really be so much better. Getting to the happy place is a very long journey that I'm willing to walk down so I can be stress free, problem free (one day) and solving my conflicts much better and getting to the route of my communication issues much, much faster than I have when I was so mad without knowing how to just say so without shouting and getting physically forceful!
I just hope I can remember all of this the next time I have an altercation that I may not want to solve with words! It's been a long time since I put my hands on anyone...and hope I won't have to unless to defend myself from ACTUAL HARM!
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